Intro

For as long as I can remember, I have been an avid believer in "Do as I say, not as I do." I tell my friends to:

1. Set boundaries with others. Don't be afraid to say "no".

2. You don't need a man to be happy. Find happiness in yourself.

3. Love yourself. Who cares what others think?

I then turn around and do exactly what I have told others not to do:

1. People please and agree to do things for others (who do not return the favor) when I don't have the time, energy, or fiscal resources. 

2. Find a guy prior to completely cutting off a relationship. I haven't been single for more than a few weeks since I was 15 years old. I hop from one long term relationship to the next out of the fear of being alone.

3. Hating every inch of my body: hair, face, eyes, nose, teeth, lips, gums, eyebrows, boobs, belly, arms, ass, thighs, ankles, feet, toes, fingers... I even recently have been really hating my fingernails.

"But you seem so strong so strong and confident..." 

This is the most typical response I get when I reveal just the smallest smidge of my insecurities to others. Having someone say this to you when you finally feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable always sends me back into my "hard" shell. I can't let the struggles slip. 

Since my teen years, I have struggled with self esteem, and in my early 20s, I began my never ending battle with depression and anxiety. Couple that with a beyond toxic relationship, and you have the author of this blog post: a freshly 32 year old on the verge of 300 pounds, with no clear path for the future, or a plan to fix the issues that are standing in the way of the goals I would like to set.

Before my toxic relationship (which I am sure will be exposed in due time), I was a relatively thin, happy individual. I had general goals for myself: finish college, become a teacher, do the whole house-marriage-kids thing, and live an overall gleeful, yet mediocre life. I had not experienced true bullying, outside of a small stint with some wretched middle school girls who insulted my lips for being full and calling me a gorilla/monkey while I undressed during gym class, which I subsequently ignored. The girls lost interest and until my adult years, I never experienced true hateful words about my appearance until adulthood when I gained an abundance of weight.

There are plenty of reasons for my weight gain that I could pin point as a source, but what it truly comes down to is I stopped carrying about my self image. I stopped having goals. I stopped being motivated. I have been floating through adulthood with no set schedule and no guidance for what I am doing next. For many years, I enjoyed this freedom to an extent, but it was always a short lived feeling. Here I am, on the edge of post pandemicness, weighing the most I have ever, in the midst of deciding on what I would like to do with my life, having such a laundry list of things that I need to accomplish, and no motivation to complete the things that I have to do.

What I have been doing instead is routinely coming home and turning to distractions to avoid my responsibilities. Because of this, the laundry slowly piles up, the clutter starts building in every single corner, and I continue to turn a blind eye to the never ending list of adult things I need to accomplish. I recycle this daily, and then at the end of the week, when it is clear that another week has surpassed with nothing to be proud of, I become frustrated at myself and fall into the lovely pattern of resentment of myself. 

Which is why I have decided to create this blog. Before my toxic relationship, I always found writing as a great source for getting out my emotions and sorting through things. I had a plethora of blogging platforms throughout the years that I used to work through so many things in my life until I met my ex husband who robbed me of any and all privacy. Instead, I kept everything inside for years, deleting the words I used to comfort myself during challenging times, and became a shell of a human. Five years ago, I woke up from that nightmare and left my ex husband. That is truly my greatest accomplishment as an adult, and something that for a bit sent me on a new, abet short lived, path.

Until today, while sitting down to read yet another self help book that I will more than likely not finish, when I decided that I am done with this cycle of self destructive habits. I know I want to heal and accomplish things, but the question is how do I do that when I have so much to do? What can I do when I feel perpetually goalless? The answers have yet to reveal themselves to me, but even just sitting here writing this, I am finding some sort of comfort and clarity.

I have a problem with starting projects and not finishing them completely. I lose interest too easily when things get challenging. I create plans that are too difficult to accomplish in one day. I HAVE TO START SMALL!

So where do I start? That is the question I am left with for now. Where in the world do I start?

I may not have the answers just yet, but together, we will slowly heal and develop healthy habits again, anonymous friends. In this blog, we will work together, through my experience to explore the issues that have prevented us from truly growing and accomplishing things, from working out, from reaching those goals we have tucked away deeply in our minds. 

So, my fellow PGs, are you ready to join me on this journey?